SHOW DON'T TELL: She died
Sliding the rusty razor blade across her narrow wrist she bit down on
the dirty towel clenched between her teeth. Blood oozed out the
sides of the clean, straight cut as tears rolled down her rosy cheeks.
Dropping the red razor blade on the floor she watched as the blood
dripped slowly on to the shaggy, brown carpet. The cut stung when
she applied pressure trying to stop the bleeding. Blood continued to
seep from the wound while she held the drenched towel hoping the
bleeding would stop. The cut was deep and the vibrant red blood
continued to run down her wrist’s as her head suddenly felt light. The
towel fell out of her hands as she dropped to the floor.
There is much to like about this piece of description, but it could be decidedly better if the syntax was varied.
Syntax – sentence variety needs to be improved. Notice that most of the sentences are complex and that the conjunction "as" has been overused.
The m modifiers and verb choice is quite good.
The two intro phrases (participle phrases) used are at the beginning and are improperly punctuated.
