SHOW DON'T TELL - revision 1

                                    THE TERRIBLE STORM

TURNING A PASSING GRADE INTO STRONG DESCRIPTIVE WRITING.

The goal here is not to rewrite the entire piece but to illustrate to students how subtle changes can slowly improve the quality of a student's writing.

• THE ORIGINAL PARAGRAPH: Below is the students original submission. The assignment was to describe [to "show"] a terrible storm. The word count was 150 words. The following are the key concepts:
  
  • describe. Do not tell a story
  • use strong action verbs
  • employ modifiers
  • use specifics and add details. Do not list.
  • vary the syntax
  
  

This is the student's original descriptive paragraph.

Ted and Mary decided to celebrate their anniversary at one of the local Italian restaurants as they both loved pasta.  They had also had their honeymoon in Rome. Mary was very excited and bought a new dress for the occasion. When she got home, she took a shower, applied her make up and put on her new green dress. Ted was also excited and left work early. He drove quickly through the busy traffic and grew more and more frustrated with the number of red lights he hit. When he got home, he quickly showered and changed into a charcoal grey suit and then they left for the restaurant. Outside, the wind had begun to pick up, signaling a storm was on its way. Rain and snow pounded against their dented, brown Volvo.  The wipers were flying across the windshield. The Volvo was speeding down the winding coastal road nearing the little Italian restaurant. On their right was the endless black ocean. In a minute, a real bad storm would hit. It began with the sky getting very dark. The rain began falling lightly and then it started to shower hard. The wind started whistling loudly and began to blow down some trees. A large oak was blown down by the howling wind. Then flashing lights appeared in the sky and the pounding sounds of thunder began. They were terrified and did not know what to do. Vehicles were bumper to bumper and the traffic was not moving because the streets were flooded. A young child was pulled down by the water. Now the wind was screaming.

STEP ONE:  DELETE EXCESSIVE NARRATIVE / FOCUS ON DESCRIPTION

When first asked to compose a descriptive paragraph, many students lapse into the form they are most familiar with - the narrative - and they weave the story much as they would were they retelling the events of the previous night in conversation. The first step is to help them understand the difference and that strong description is the foundation of compelling narratives.


Ted and Mary decided to celebrate their anniversary at one of the local Italian restaurants as they both loved pasta.  They had also had their honeymoon in Rome. Mary was very excited and bought a new dress for the occasion. When she got home, she took a shower, applied her make up and put on her new green dress. Ted was also excited and left work early. He drove quickly through the busy traffic and grew more and more frustrated with the number of red lights he hit. When he got home, Ted quickly showered and changed into a charcoal grey suit and then they left for the Italian restaurant. Outside, the wind had begun to pick up, signaling a storm  was on its way. Rain and snow  pounded against their dented, brown Volvo.  The wipers were flying across the windshield. The Volvo was speeding down the winding coastal road nearing the little Italian restaurant. On their right was the endless black ocean. In a minute, a real bad storm would hit. It began with the sky getting very dark. The rain began falling lightly and then it started to shower hard. The wind started whistling loudly and began to blow down some trees. A large oak was blown down by the howling wind. Then flashing lights appeared in the sky and the pounding sounds of thunder began. They were terrified and did not know what to do. Vehicles were bumper to bumper and the traffic was not moving because the streets were flooded. A young child was pulled down by the water. Now the wind was screaming.

STEP TWO:  IMPROVING VERB CHOICE

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE NEXT STEP IN EDITING: Improving Verb Choice